Understanding and managing anger
What is anger?
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion which we all feel sometimes. We often feel angry when we’re frustrated, we don’t like a situation, or we have been treated badly. But we may also feel angry without knowing why, and that’s okay as long as we find a way to express our feelings safely. Understanding our anger and how we deal with it won’t get rid of it, but it will help us learn how to manage it.
When is anger a problem?
Anger only becomes a problem when we can’t manage it well and it gets out of control. Here are some signs this might be happening:
• You express your anger through unhealthy or unsafe ways
• Your anger is affecting your everyday life
• Your anger is affecting your relationships and the people around you
• Anger is your go-to emotion, and it’s all you can think about
What are unhealthy ways of dealing with anger?
Angry behaviour may be externalised, meaning you express it out loud or towards others. Or it may be internalised, which means you take it out on yourself. Some examples of unhealthy externalised angry behaviours include:
• Shouting or swearing
• Losing control
• Breaking or throwing things
• Emotionally or physically hurting others
• Being rude to others or getting into fights
• Trying to make others angry on purpose
Some examples of unhealthy internalised angry behaviours include:
• Not dealing with your anger and blaming yourself
• Stopping yourself from getting the things you need, like food or sleep
• Stopping yourself from doing things you enjoy, like seeing friends
• Drinking alcohol or taking drugs
• Self-harming
Being aware of these behaviours can help you learn new ways to deal with your feelings. Expressing your anger through aggression can scare or hurt the people around you. It could also lead to serious problems, like getting in trouble at school or with the police. If you become violent when you’re angry, or you’re worried you might, it’s important to get support as soon as you can. But even if you’re never violent or aggressive, your anger might still be a problem for you.
Why do we get angry?
There are many reasons why we might feel angry. We might call them triggers. We all have our own triggers, but some common ones include:
• Feeling scared or attacked
• Feeling frustrated, ashamed, stressed or powerless
• Feeling misunderstood, judged or like we’re not being treated fairly
• Being bullied, discriminated against or abused
• Experiencing grief or relationship problems
• Having low confidence or self-esteem
• Not being able to understand our own feelings, or voice them out loud
• Physical or mental health problems, or conditions like ADHD or autism, that affects our ability to do certain things or be understood by others
• Feeling angry about things happening in the world, like racism or climate change
• Being discriminated against
• Angry at things beyond our control that are affecting our lives or our future plans
You may feel angry for reasons that aren’t in this list. Or you may feel angry and not know why. This might be because of lots of things building up. Or it could be because of something that happened to you in the past, that you may not realise is still upsetting you.
What does getting angry feel like?
When we’re getting angry or wound up, the amygdala starts releasing adrenaline. We might notice physical and emotional changes, like:
• Clenching our fists or teeth
• Faster heartbeat
• Muscles tensing up
• A churning feeling in the stomach
• Shaking
• Sweating
• Feeling dizzy or sick
• Feeling irritated
• Feeling embarrassed or upset
Where does anger come from in the brain?
The main parts of the brain involved in regulating emotions are called the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala:
• The prefrontal cortex is involved in planning and making decisions
• The amygdala reacts to emotion and danger to protect you
Normally, when you think and make decisions, the prefrontal cortex carries on working and the amygdala doesn’t respond. But if a situation triggers a strong emotion, like excitement or anger, this changes. When you get angry, your amygdala picks up on this emotional warning. It then sends out a signal to your body to override everything else and act quickly, without thinking about the consequences. Your amygdala makes you react to what it sees as ‘danger’, even if there isn’t actual danger there. This is why you might do or say things you could regret later. Over time, we can learn how to recognise the signs and slow down or even stop this process. This can give us time to think about how we want to react to the situation.
It can be really scary when your anger takes over or you lose control in a situation. But you can learn safer, healthier ways to manage your anger.
Here are some top tips for managing anger in the moment:
• Spot the signs
• Take time out
• Speak to someone
• Try mindfulness
• Distract yourself
Here are some top tips for managing anger in the long term:
• Recognise your triggers
• Understand your feelings
• Listen to others
• Think about the consequences
• Accept what’s out of your control
• Look after your wellbeing
• Be more active
• Build your confidence and self-esteem
• Learn to ‘assert’ yourself
• Reach out for support
• Get help in college or school
What help is available for anger?
Talking to your doctor can be the first step to getting help with your anger. They can listen to how you’re feeling and behaving, and talk with you about whether you need further support. In a world that is so full of negativity, it’s easy to feel overcome with anger. But there is support out there!
Is anger linked to mental health?
Anger isn’t a mental health problem – it’s an emotion that we all feel sometimes. But if you’re feeling angrier than usual, it may be a sign that you have poor mental health right now, or that you’re dealing with something difficult. If you feel angry for a long period of time, or you think it’s affecting your everyday life, it could be a sign of a mental health problem, like anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Remember: mental health is about how we think, feel and act. Everyone needs support with these things sometimes. Reaching out for help is a positive step in helping you to manage your anger and live a more balanced life.
If you feel that you need help in this area or your life, get in touch and see how we can work together.
Ashley Moore
Moore Psychotherapy
